Knife Story / Third Hangover
It’s like picking off pieces of wet dirty skin that's fallen off. I watch the way my skin turns bright red from it. Chewing on uncooked steak, t-bone, whatever. The way you can't really feel it getting smaller in your teeth and it gets stuck in your molars and the feeling makes you tense up really bad. Soaking. Like trying to carve out the indent of your gums. I think that I need to sort my shit out. I've gotten really close to a lot of marks and I don't really want to think about any of it but I like the feeling of being held
And I like the feeling of something stupid like talking and the way hands in my greasy, wet hair feels or being too close or thinking about it just too hard that your hands start to shake about it and you put water on your face and that only works in movies so it doesn't really do anything . I tell him that I'm scared it will all be stripped away from me but I didn't really say how or why I was scared or what of or the scenario I have planned in my head exactly because it's like watching someone you know really well get stabbed and my whole life I've been afraid of doing something that makes that situation happen. I'm not the one with the knife I guess. You know I didn't even supply the knife. I put my hands on the sink and I end up holding the handle like a crucifix. I guess it means that occurence A doesn't really affect occurence B but there's still something there like admitting you still draw stars with blades on your shoulders. Like you picked up a knife at some point and you thought about it once when you were fifteen. Or sixteen or seventeen. There's a guilt wrapped around the remembering of the way you held it. I'm doing something really scary like saying the wrong thing and freaking you out and killing you and I think one day I will not let the best happen to myself because I crushed a moment by ruminating and putting a plastic bag over your head. I'm going to kill you and apologize for it. You're going to say you can't be mad. You are going to talk it out with me. I'm going to talk too and I'm not going to mean any of it. The bravest girl in the whole world. It won't even be weird that you are still breathing. Fully alive. I’m wired and you could be, too.
I wake up and I don't puke. There aren’t really other things to worry about.